Your Will, Not Mine

"Whom have I in Heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides you," wrote the psalmist.

The desire to crave God. That He is more than enough, but that we cannot get enough of Him.

Desperate that our lives be bound up in His will.

I think most who follow Christ have been there at some point, probably several times. One of those mountaintop moments.

And yet our gaze lowers oh so easily. We look away. Our eyes set upon lesser things. Our minds crave our wants. We become determined to realize our own desires and dreams. Our motivations become misdirected.

Jesus prayed in Gesthemene that God not make him go through with it. Betrayed, beaten, scorned, denied, deserted and nailed to a cross. I mean really, who would wantingly endure that? But he ended his prayer with, “Yet not what I will, but what you will.” (Mark 14:36)

We pray, “Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.”

But as those words fall off our lips, do they enter our souls? Do we crave God’s will to be done here, in our lives, in our churches, our communities, nation and world?

From the Common Book of Prayer:

Almighty God, unto Whom all hearts be open, all desires known, and from Whom no secrets are hid: Cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of Thy Holy Spirit, that we may perfectly love Thee, and worthily magnify Thy holy Name: through Christ our Lord. Amen.

God knows what we want. The secret desires of our hearts. We can’t hide.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. (From Psalm 139)

To the bottom of the ocean? He’s there. To the furthest star? He’s there.

But we can ignore when He tells us what He wants. And we do. Especially when what He wants isn’t the same as what we want.

Corporately at my church we’ve been in a season of anticipation. Praying for what we’ve been sensing… that God is doing something new. Last Wednesday we had a prayer service (where I picked up the Psalm 73 and Common Book of Prayer quotes... like I could have come up with those on my own) and we prayed for God's will to be done at our little church. And God is doing new things! It is so wonderful watching Him work and being a part of it.

And I’ve sensed the same thing in my own life… that God is going to move. That something new and unprecedented is coming.

But I also sense that I need to give God room to move. I can’t limit Him by refusing to surrender my desires. I won’t know what He will be able to do until I’ve submitted myself completely to His will.

I wonder what we’re holding back. What’s keeping God from moving in our hearts? Why do we want to sit on His throne?

I’m afraid of surrendering because I could lose what I want. If I let God on the throne, my selfish desires won’t be realized. And I always think I know what's best for me. And for others.

But how much more will I hurt if I refuse to give all to God?

“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains. It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world,” wrote C.S. Lewis.

If we keep running from our Lover, not only do we break His heart constantly, but we ourselves who were created to be in a relationship with Him get hurt.

Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open. -Corrie ten Boom

Unfortunately, what I know to be true in my head and soul doesn't always transfer over to what my heart desires and what my actions disclose. Genuinely wanting God's will to be done not mine is such a struggle. A war I will no doubt be fighting my entire life.

I Surrender All (okay, some…)

September 2011. I’m again reading Bonhoeffer’s “The Cost of Discipleship” and as Dietrich so often does… he got me thinking. When Jesus spoke to the rich young man he asked him to give what he could not give up. The young man had kept the commandments. But to Jesus that wasn’t enough. The young man was holding something back.

“If we heard Jesus speaking to us in this way today we should probably try to argue ourselves out of it like this: ‘It is true that the demand of Jesus is definite enough, but I have to remember that he never expects us to take his commands legalistically. What he really wants me to have is faith… it is not important that I should have no possessions. But if I do I must keep them as though I had them not…’ We are excusing ourselves from single-minded obedience to the word of Jesus. The difference between ourselves and the rich young man is that he was not allowed to solace his regrets by saying: ‘Never mind what Jesus says, I can still hold on to my riches, but in a spirit of inner detachment.’ No, he went away sorrowful.” (The Cost of Discipleship, Ch. 3)

As I read I started wondering just how much I’m holding back from Jesus. My time, for sure. I mean, okay Jesus, you can have 9-12 Sunday mornings, 6-8 Monday nights once a month, 6-8 Wednesday nights, 6-9 Thursday nights, and then whenever I decide to get up early and do my devotions, or have a deep conversation with a friend, or listen to Christian music. But all that other time? That’s MY time.

So, I know I hold time back from God. But what else? Pride. I love me my pride. While I don’t tend to explicitly seek out attention, oh, the thrill I get when someone says, “That photo you took? Amazing!” or “God really spoke to me when you sang that song” or my personal favorite, “Erynn, why don’t you have a boyfriend? I don’t get it. You are such a catch. Some young man has to see that.” And of course, I wonder the same thing.

So that’s something else. Boys. My desire for companionship. In June on a backpacking trip as I lay beside a mountain lake sunning myself it hit me why. I wrote, “I’ve been taught that God knows me, loves me, created me, cherishes me and wants to be the greatest object of my affection. But I have so much trouble committing to something so intangible. What I want, what I crave, is evidence that I am so valuable, so amazing that someone wants me for himself and no one else.”

The thought of someone wanting my affection so badly he’ll stop at nothing to get it just sounds SO wonderful. And of course, this has to be someone who fits the list… not just some pig who says, “You’re hot. Wanna have dinner with me?” NO. I don’t. And this dress isn’t even that slutty. How can you tell I’m hot? I’ve been accused of not ever giving anyone a chance but I’m not going to date someone I won’t marry. And with how quickly I judge men, I will probably die an old maid. But the point is. I haven’t surrendered that desire for companionship to God. I haven’t really put it in His hands.

I can sing all I want:

All to Jesus I surrender;

Humbly at his feet I bow,

Worldly pleasures all forsaken;

Take me, Jesus, take me now

… and still have so many worldly pleasures I won’t give up. Say, my exorbitant amount of shoes. But I wonder. If I walked up to Jesus and asked him what I had to do to join his kingdom, what would he say? For starters, perhaps, sell your shoes and give the profits to the poor.

Derek Webb’s amazing songwriting interprets perhaps what Jesus would say to us in this day and age.

“Come on and follow me

But sell your house, sell your SUV

Sell your stock, sell your security

And give it to the poor

… I want the things you just can’t give me.”

And to borrow from Bonhoeffer again, Luther’s pecca fortiter (Sin boldly, but believe and rejoice in Christ more boldly still) doesn’t tell us to keep sinning because cheap grace will cover it. But we trust that we enter the Kingdom even though we cling to all our crap.That God’s costly grace is enough to wash all that crap away.

But what would happen if I could bring myself to surrender all I’m holding onto?