September 2011. I’m again reading Bonhoeffer’s “The Cost of Discipleship” and as Dietrich so often does… he got me thinking. When Jesus spoke to the rich young man he asked him to give what he could not give up. The young man had kept the commandments. But to Jesus that wasn’t enough. The young man was holding something back.
“If we heard Jesus speaking to us in this way today we should probably try to argue ourselves out of it like this: ‘It is true that the demand of Jesus is definite enough, but I have to remember that he never expects us to take his commands legalistically. What he really wants me to have is faith… it is not important that I should have no possessions. But if I do I must keep them as though I had them not…’ We are excusing ourselves from single-minded obedience to the word of Jesus. The difference between ourselves and the rich young man is that he was not allowed to solace his regrets by saying: ‘Never mind what Jesus says, I can still hold on to my riches, but in a spirit of inner detachment.’ No, he went away sorrowful.” (The Cost of Discipleship, Ch. 3)
As I read I started wondering just how much I’m holding back from Jesus. My time, for sure. I mean, okay Jesus, you can have 9-12 Sunday mornings, 6-8 Monday nights once a month, 6-8 Wednesday nights, 6-9 Thursday nights, and then whenever I decide to get up early and do my devotions, or have a deep conversation with a friend, or listen to Christian music. But all that other time? That’s MY time.
So, I know I hold time back from God. But what else? Pride. I love me my pride. While I don’t tend to explicitly seek out attention, oh, the thrill I get when someone says, “That photo you took? Amazing!” or “God really spoke to me when you sang that song” or my personal favorite, “Erynn, why don’t you have a boyfriend? I don’t get it. You are such a catch. Some young man has to see that.” And of course, I wonder the same thing.
So that’s something else. Boys. My desire for companionship. In June on a backpacking trip as I lay beside a mountain lake sunning myself it hit me why. I wrote, “I’ve been taught that God knows me, loves me, created me, cherishes me and wants to be the greatest object of my affection. But I have so much trouble committing to something so intangible. What I want, what I crave, is evidence that I am so valuable, so amazing that someone wants me for himself and no one else.”
The thought of someone wanting my affection so badly he’ll stop at nothing to get it just sounds SO wonderful. And of course, this has to be someone who fits the list… not just some pig who says, “You’re hot. Wanna have dinner with me?” NO. I don’t. And this dress isn’t even that slutty. How can you tell I’m hot? I’ve been accused of not ever giving anyone a chance but I’m not going to date someone I won’t marry. And with how quickly I judge men, I will probably die an old maid. But the point is. I haven’t surrendered that desire for companionship to God. I haven’t really put it in His hands.
I can sing all I want:
All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at his feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now
… and still have so many worldly pleasures I won’t give up. Say, my exorbitant amount of shoes. But I wonder. If I walked up to Jesus and asked him what I had to do to join his kingdom, what would he say? For starters, perhaps, sell your shoes and give the profits to the poor.
Derek Webb’s amazing songwriting interprets perhaps what Jesus would say to us in this day and age.
“Come on and follow me
But sell your house, sell your SUV
Sell your stock, sell your security
And give it to the poor
… I want the things you just can’t give me.”
And to borrow from Bonhoeffer again, Luther’s pecca fortiter (Sin boldly, but believe and rejoice in Christ more boldly still) doesn’t tell us to keep sinning because cheap grace will cover it. But we trust that we enter the Kingdom even though we cling to all our crap.That God’s costly grace is enough to wash all that crap away.
But what would happen if I could bring myself to surrender all I’m holding onto?
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